You see, I am currently locked outside of my house. Oh yes. You weren't mistaken.The same thing most likely happens to hundreds of thousands of innocent children each year. We all probably also say the same thing after we pull the whold, "Damnit, I forgot my key again!" stunt. It's not my fault. However, in this case, clearly it isn't. Oh sure, you could blame *Ring* the innocent *Ring* by trying to use the *Ring* exercised that it's clearly *Ring* my fault due to the fact (ahhh, four... they're catching on) that I left my key at home today. You could also blame me for not using a 'spare key' system but I'd rather not have my unexpected home broken into. However, I will attempt the breaking and entering method just to see how far that'll get me.

     Mission failed. Explain this to me. If I've broken in numberous times before I have the method down to an art form, why today, the day that most people I know *Ring* are trying to get *Ring* ahold of me, I have *Ring* to be sitting outside being tempted by the *Ring* utterly cold weather AND some of the latest technology created by society? I mean, as lovely as this picnic table is, I'd much rather not be sitting here right now. My relaxation mode only goes so deep these days and even then, I'm a mood swingy, hyperventalating, full of pep, stressed out teenager. Hey, I can't help these things. They just seem to come with the gift of a little something my parents like to call "hormonal imbalances." Pfffft. Like that's a bad thing.

     It appears there's a spider web attached to the umbrella stand and it hooks beneath the tabletop of the picnic table of which I'm currently sitting at. AND!!! As a special feature, there's a fly in it. MOM!!!! However, the neighbour's kid just got hit in the face with a ball and started bellowing like a mad llama while his arch nemises yelled, "TWO POINTS!!!" so I've become briefly amused due to the distractions at hand.

     Often I wonder what it would be like to be a human form of one of those "Transformer" toys. If I were a Transformer action figure, I would have the power to turn my head into a key and let myself into my house.

     (See diagram that follows somewhere around here.)

     Have you ever wondered what it would be like to lock yourself of your house? Well here, allow me to attempt to satisfy your curiosity. You see, at first I was in the "mildly amused" state of mind. That's the state where you think, "Frick. I saw the key this morning and I didn't pick it up. Maybe there's another way.
 Then you hit panic mode. "Okay, I can't get in. The doors are locked, the windows are sealed, the phone's ringing... DAMNIT! The PHONE'S ringing?!?!" Then comes the stage that I like to refer to as the "Beginning to calm down" stage. You sit down during this stage, think about all of the ways you could possibly break in, take in the scenery, check in your bag for the key another eight or nine times, fail and sit down. Then comes the stage of self pity. "Why am I so stupid?!?! I never do anything right. Damnit, now I have to sit here outside... *RING!* Oh good. That's probably the radio calling me to tell me I've won but I have to respond within the next tem minutes in order to redeem my prize. Is it just me or does everyone out here seem to feel naked?" Then comes the, "How to waste time before one of the parental units finally decides to grave the humble home with their presence" stage. That's where I am and it would also seem to be the reason I've chosen to write this. To express my STUPID FEELINGS!! After this step, however, you get to access to your comfortable domain at which point you forget that any of this did, in fact, once happen and you do it all over again.

     Maybe I'll go get a so-called "safety key" but then again, I'd most likely either take it inside and leave it there or forget where I put it; in which case, I'd be in the same scenario that I'm in right now and it wouldn't do me any good.

     I think it's time I attached a key to my necklace. That way I won't lose it. Unless of course I go back in time and get beheaded by a great knight. In that case I'd have to carry my head around with me everywhere I went and I'd probably lose that too. Hey, isn't there a ghost in Scotland that has ownership of these rights? *Ring.*